Our relationship was not perfect. We had been through a loss of a parent, massive academic stress, and the trauma that followed them. But things were really good.

I have struggled with thinking about the way people see me. Questions like “Do they like me?” and “Are they quietly judging me?” repeat in my mind whenever I meet someone new or find myself in a crowd somewhere.

But on the other hand, I couldn’t shake off the existential crisis and fear raging in my head. Yes, I was 20, but what have I achieved? What did I have to show for all the years I’d spent alive and afraid and struggling to live. I was grateful for the new beginning but was I truly prepared for it?

I would attend spiritual meetings, retreats, revivals with the expectation of a miracle that would transform my arms so I could fit into society and live like a regular person, but it never happened.

I read two accounts of women living with vaginismus, and none of them said they had been able to overcome it. I told myself that vaginismus was not my portion and that God did not