Looking Out For Me - Hikmat Abiodun Quadri
Recent events in my life have brought me to a point where I have decided to continuously choose myself first. What that has caused is a change in people’s perceptions of me and some guilt from time to time. It almost seems selfish because I’m used to giving up so much of myself and I think that’s just what I’m supposed to do. It’s not selfish to want to do things for myself instead of other people. It’s not selfish to take a nap when I’m tired instead of helping someone else. It’s not selfish to want to be happy.
I have struggled with thinking about the way people see me. Questions like “Do they like me?” and “Are they quietly judging me?” repeat in my mind whenever I meet someone new or find myself in a crowd somewhere. I’m sure that many people have similar thoughts, but I choose not to find comfort in that. I have seen enough to know that people are not always going to like me, even if I treat them well and give them all my money.
A few weeks ago, I was contemplating whether or not to block someone on WhatsApp. I asked myself many questions “What if they find out that I blocked them?” “How would they feel if they knew?” “What would they think of me?” “What would they tell people about me?”. As these questions swirled around in my mind, I suddenly realized that there was only one question that I needed to ask “Is this what is best for me right now?” and that was the one question I wasn’t asking. It was then that I recognized that my default was to think about other people before myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that it is good to help people, even to one’s detriment sometimes, but at that moment, I saw that I wasn’t even thinking about what was good for me and I hardly ever did. So what would have happened if I blocked that person? They would have been upset? Maybe. They would have thought and spoken badly about me? Probably, but I would have protected my peace of mind. I had to choose what was more important, the possible consequences of my actions, or my peace of mind.
The truth is that my health (especially my mental health) is more important than keeping up appearances and making people comfortable. Gone are the days of subjecting myself to emotional torment just because I want to look like a good person. Once the doors close and I’m alone with myself, the consequences of not saying no or walking away would affect only me, not the people I’m trying so hard to please.
I know that this decision would not always be easy to stick to, and wisdom is needed to not create problems, but I’ve made my decision. My health, my sanity, and my well-being should be of utmost importance to me. I’ll just have to ignore the curious looks and surprised expressions of people around me as they start to see the change in my behaviour. As for the guilt, I will constantly remind myself that looking out for myself is not an option, it is a priority.