Living with Vaginismus: My Story - Ifeoluwa*

Have you ever tried having penetrative sex and felt like you had no opening for the penis to pass through? Do you feel a searing pain whenever you try to insert a tampon, menstrual cup, or even a penis inside your vagina? Do you feel a burning sensation like someone rubbed pepper or Aboniki balm inside your vagina every time you attempt penetrative sex? Can you not stand penetrative sex because you derive no pleasure from it and your vagina is just too tight?

If your answer to any or all of those questions is yes, firstly, I’m sending you a big, warm hug. Secondly, I want you to know that contrary to popular opinion or whatever your mind is saying, you are not broken, and you are sexy. You probably (I’m using probably because you must consult a doctor first) have vaginismus. It’s a treatable health condition that you should not be ashamed of.

My name is Ifeoluwa and, this is my vaginismus story. I am writing this because there are so few materials on this sexual health issue that several women around the world face. Take a look at the message screenshots in this Twitter thread.

I’ll start with a little background story. I’m a Pastor’s daughter and, I grew up in one of the popular Pentecostal churches in Nigeria. Everyone drummed chastity into my ears from childhood. Parents, pastors, and teen teachers told me that if I wanted my future husband to trust and respect me, he had to meet me a virgin.

One time, we had a seminar where a resident pastor told us that he would never believe anyone who accused his wife of infidelity, solely because he married her as a virgin.

The church brought a popular motivational speaker, Dr. Ken Katas, to a teenagers’ programme. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but I’ll paraphrase. He told us that sex is a delicious pot of soup surrounded by wild animals. He said the wild animals would devour us if we went near it without first getting married.

Ridiculous, right? I know. I was a teenager then, so I didn’t know any better. I made a promise to remain a virgin till my wedding night. I wanted my husband to trust me and I didn’t want to get devoured by wild animals.

That decision sharpened my other sexual skills because I believed penetrative sex was the only issue, and I could do other things. So, I learned how to kiss like a pro, read books, and watched videos on how to give incredibly good hand jobs and sloppy blowjobs as a young girl of 14/15 years. I became rather artistic and professional in my delivery of both sexual acts.

My libido is high, and my body is super-sensitive to touch, which means I can reach orgasm quite easily. Therefore, I didn’t see the need for penetrative sex. I told every guy who tried to pressure me into it that I was not ready.

I did not even allow any man to go near my vagina because it was a sacred place. Later, I started dry humping but made sure penetration was never attempted. I did that throughout university and my service year even though I dated about two guys seriously. I got a kick from telling people I was a virgin…lol.

Fast forward to 2019, I had this friend with benefits that I shared incredible sexual chemistry with, and I wanted to go all the way with him. I chose him to be my “first”. We tried to have penetrative sex and to my utmost surprise, his penis could not go in! I wanted to die.

We tried and tried for two days, and he still could not get his penis inside me. To make matters worse, I was feeling a burning sensation in my vagina like someone scooped Aboniki balm inside it.

At a point, he said, “I don’t think you were created with a hole for penetrative sex”, out of frustration. That statement was like a hot slap on my face, and I wanted to weep because the vagina was primarily made for sexual intercourse, but my own had chosen to betray me.

I tried with two other people and it was the same result, so I gave up trying again in 2019. However, I googled all the things I felt whenever I tried to have sex, and Google told me I might have vaginismus. I said “God forbid” out loud and rejected it because it sounded like a very serious thing, and I didn’t want any part of it.

I read two accounts of women living with vaginismus, and none of them said they had been able to overcome it. I told myself that vaginismus was not my portion and that God did not give me a high libido only to give me a condition that would prevent me from enjoying penetrative sex. So I made up my mind that I was going to have this sex and thoroughly enjoy it.

In 2020, I went back to the guy I first tried with. I had read somewhere that alcohol could increase a person’s threshold for pain and increase horniness. Therefore, I attempted another trial, and this time, I was drunk for the first time in my life, on a mixture of Vodka and Coke. I was so drunk that my sentences were not making any sense, and I just kept begging him to do it.

He didn’t listen to me though, bless his heart. He said I was too drunk, and there was no way he was going to live with himself if he took consent from a drunk woman. Let me quickly chip this in; a drunk person cannot consent to any sexual activity because they are not in the right state of mind at that time. He tucked me in and slept in another room.

We tried again the next day when I was sober, and he was able to get his pinky finger in. I almost passed out from the pain I felt. So we stopped trying and did other things.

I couldn’t walk properly for 3 days, just because someone with really small fingers put his pinky inside me. I wept like a baby.

I knew I had to seek medical advice. I spoke to a doctor, went in for a check-up, and was diagnosed with vaginismus. I felt a sharp pain in my chest. What I feared most had happened to me.

She told me to insert a finger inside my vagina every day, then progress to two fingers and so on. It sounded like a lot of stress, and I didn’t like it. However, I tried for two days before I stopped. I continued doing the other sexual things I enjoyed and binned any thought of penetrative sex.

Later that year, I had a conversation with a friend after she sent me a proposed article for her blog. She wanted me to read it and give her feedback. The person who wrote the article was an anonymous lady living with vaginismus. It made me cry, and when she asked me for feedback, I told her the article was so relatable that it made me cry because I also have vaginismus.

Alas, she was the anonymous person! That was the first time I spoke to someone who knew exactly what I was going through and, we bonded by trading stories and experiences. We talked at length about the struggle of living with vaginismus. We also discussed how the media paints sex as uncomplicated while ignoring telling the stories of women like us. It was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life.

She told me to get dilators as she also planned to get a set. But I was not interested in spending so much money because I wanted to have sex. So I continued making out with the person I was dating then and it helped that he wasn’t obsessed with penetrative sex. We broke up some months after, and I took a break from romantic relationships.

In early 2021, I attempted to have penetrative sex with a doctor friend of mine. I thought he would know what to do to make it less painful. I thought wrong! I almost died from the pain and I cried so hard and long (yes, vaginismus has made me cry hot tears in this life). He told me to start kegel exercises but I’m honestly too lazy for all that.

I started dating again in mid-2021, and the makeout is top tier but I want to have penetrative sex with him. I mean if he makes me feel so good with his hands and mouth, how is he going to make me feel with his penis? I just must find out!

So I considered undergoing a surgical procedure that would open up my vagina. He discouraged me from going ahead with it because he was afraid something could go wrong.

Last month, I finally got a set of 5 dilators of different sizes from Doctor M on Instagram. I began dilating with a lot of water-based lube. While dilating, I relax my mind, tell myself it’s just sex, and try to forget the harmful things about it which I grew up hearing. And guess what? It’s working! I’m already on the third size of the dilator, and my last attempt at penetrative sex with my partner was so much better.

Although he couldn’t go all the way in, he went in more than a little. Also, the pain was not as intense as before and the burning sensation has reduced drastically. I didn’t feel a lot of pleasure, but it’s progress.

I’ll continue using the dilators until the biggest size can go inside my vagina, and maybe I’ll write another piece about that and my subsequent attempt at penetrative sex. I’m also trying to get Cannabidiol (CBD) solution lube. I heard it helps with the pain. I’m now more open about it and that has helped me meet several other women living with vaginismus

If you’re like me, you are not alone. There are many of us out there. If you want to read the stories of other women like us, learn how to dilate, and encourage yourself till you overcome, you can follow these Instagram pages:

thevagnetwork, vaginismuswho, Pain.free.and.intimate and unconventionalvagina.